Someone like you

I've remembered that I had to blog today. Thought I'd do it now before I go to Beavers. Yes, you read right: I am a young leader at Beavers 55th Kincorth. I'm not going to lie I'm a bigger kid than most of them. I actually love Beavers, those little kids always make me smile. Little cuties.

So today I was at school until 3rd period. PSE: was rubbish. English: was boring. Chemisty: was a living hell. I am honestly getting sick of school. Nothing exciting ever happens now. All the teachers talk about now is exams... but I just don't care anymore, I really don't. Not long left though. Although, after saying that I did come home and did my English homework - which is not me. I'm also ready for Beavers, hence why I have time to blog before I leave at half past.

I'd like to take the time to wish Forbzee happy birthday. She's 18 today and is spending it in London. Lucky for some. Actually getting used to her being away ... not a good sign. I'm sure we'll be back to being joint at the hip next week. I actually concentrate more in Maths 'cause I have no-one to talk to. It's true what they say ... every cloud has a silver lining.

I'd also like to say a bit that might seem like a riddle, it might not. I'm not sure.
I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is ... to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. What I mean is when we finish in a relationship we sometimes decide to stay friends, some even decide to stay friends ... with benefits. But, if you ask me. Talking from experience I think it is harder being his friend than losing him completely. But we are all free to make are own choices ... whether they are right or whether they are mistakes. I've made many many mistakes but there's not many that I'd go back and prevent from happening. Sometimes when things get a bit much I wish I could go back to the day that I met him and prevent myself from meeting him or go back to the day where we reached the next level in our friendship but truth be told when I sit back and analysis things: no-one has ever had such an impact on my life, no-one has changed me - whether it was for better or worse - and no-one has ever loved me the way he loved me. There is no doubt that people can come into our lives and have such an impact but then leave as quick as they came. He may be gone but by god he sure did leave foot prints on my heart. So there we have it. I miss you but I understand that nothing lasts forever. 

Adele, her music is amazing. The lyrics are the words I can't speak. They are the thoughts in  my head that I can't voice. Some of her songs were designed for my situation. Just saying. 

I'll be back tomorrow with hopefully a more exciting blog.
Much love, 
Emma
xxxx

Always looking down

Stranger! That's what I'm becoming to this whole blogging scenerio: I haven't blogged since saturday, I'm dissapointed in myself. I promise to up my game, pull my finger out and blog more. This blog MIGHT be longer than usual: I might have a lot to speak about.

Saturday with the girls:
I had awesome day with my girls. We went for a meal at the Cove Bay Hotel to celebrate Sophie's 18th: It was really nice and a good catch-up with the girls, we had a right good laugh too. I love those guys to pieces. We then went back to Sophie's for drinks, Kristina joined us too, not going to lie I got myself into a bit of state. Apparently I was "drunk" but I don't think I was. I think I was just ... confused. I claimed many things which I can honestly say are NOT true. I'll learn one day. The good thing is that I woke up free of a hangover, that made the night even better.

Anyhow, I should mention the absense of my best friend, Forbzee. Currently, Katie is in London: she will begin to prepare for her competition tomorrow. She is representing Scotland in her category, isn't that something amazing. If I am being honest it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. She is quite a bright spark. I'd like to wish her good luck again. I'm sure your project is amazing and so much better than most of the other ones. I have faith in you, girl. Despite the fact she just left this morning I have to admit I'm missing my partner in crime quite a bit. I dread to think how I will cope when we go to uni'. People wouldn't believe the amount of people said it was weird and strange to see me without Katie. Everyone is so used to us being joint at the hip. Mr Shaw even commented on my lonliness. But, Forbzee goodluck, win the competition, happy birthday for tomorrow and GET YOUR ARSE BACK UP HERE.

Thoughts of my future has again been plaguing my mind. I am quite gutted and scared all the same about leaving Kincoth Academy in the matter of a couple of months. I honestly don't want to. This year has been so good aswell. I have to admit 5th and 6th year this year are like the biggest family ever. We all get on so well. I can't believe I didn't even register their presence this time last year. They are an amazing bunch and I will be truly gutted to leave them behind. I really hope I keep in contact with a fair few of them. Also, I've been doin' my summer school application and I'm extremely excited about uni'. I really want a fresh start at the same time just to meet new people and make new friends. I guess while feeling down about leaving Kincorth Academy, I'm thrilled to be moving on in the world. As the wise man (or should I say Mr SmartyPants, he knows who he is) said "Moving on to bigger and better things".

I would normally right a bit about the anon guy but all I have to say is ...
By god, I miss you more than you could imagine but this is how it's got to be. Love you, regardless.


I have a couple of quotes that I'd like to share with the world 'cause they are helping me quite a bit, just now:

Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch your hearts. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you can share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs, and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thin in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life.

This time its over I'm keeping my heart, I'm gonna be strong and not fall apart it'll get better, I'll no longer cryin a couple of weeks I won't want to die, I won't want to go back. I'll be able to sleep, it won't hurt so bad and it won't hurt so deep!

They are quite self-explanatory. They help me. Or should I say ... they reflect how I feel just now.

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

Lessons well learnt.

I forgot to blog yesterday. Well, that's a lie. I didn't forget. I just didn't have time. I was at school all day then went into town afterwards and then on to Russell Howard and by the time I got home I was shattered and couldn't be bothered blogging. So, I'll make this EXTRA LONG.

Russell Howard:

Russell Howard is an actually legend. I honestly can say that I've never laughed so much in my entire life. It was amazing. I'll never look at a bird or a 70 year old woman in the same way again. Just saying. I had the time of my life not even going to lie. Also, his body. WOW. I can safely say I LOVE HIM. That guy is one amazing little fucker. I saw so many people that I knew. Also, saw people that I haven't seen in years. Safe to say it was an amazing start to an already amazing weekend.

This Weekend:

Plans for today: Town with Katie; Meal with Laura, Sophie, Katie and Hannah; Then drinks with that lot and Kristina. It will be good, I have no doubts. Honestly cannot wait. It will make up for such a shit week. Yesterday my maths teacher said and I quote “Your ability is away up here *points to the roof* but unfortunately for some reason your results suggest your way down here *points to the ground*” To make it worse I was given an extra for periods a week for Chemistry because I'm not working hard enough. Actually so annoyed. Such as life.

On a more personal note:

I'm not going to lie, there's no point. You left me. You cheated. You lied. But, the thing that still throws me is that no matter what you've done I still love you... stupidly. But, you should know. I'm getting over you: we may remain friends but at this stage a break away is exactly what I'm wanting from you. You ask me what you can do to make it up to me. My answer to that is … just leave me alone. No matter how much you mean to me, I'm going to cry my last tear and smile again. I'll remember the times we had – they were amazing. I'll never forget what you've taught me. You taught me to accept myself for who I truly am. You taught me that I should never change for anyone because if they truly loved me, they would love me for who I already am. You taught me how to love. I'm not going to deny that. They are lessons I'll never forget. You've had such an impact on my life and for that I thank you. But, time is moving us on.

Despite everything I'm in such a good mood.

I will blog tomorrow. While, hungover AGAIN!

Much Love,

Emma

xxxx

No strings attached

Firstly, I never blogged yesterday! Poor show!

Yesterday I attended the MA applicant day at Aberdeen University. I met the lovely Dominic and Rachel. They were both lovely and I can tell that if we end up studying together we'll become VERY good friends. We spent the day together was really good. They are two amazing people that, to be honest, if I never saw them again I'd still remember them. I've never met anyone quite like them.  I also spent time talking to the head of Politics - he was also lovely. Cant wait to start university - heres hoping I get in and pass summer school. On the whole, the applicant day was an AWESOME experience.

Today, has been a little more normal. Found out that I've passed English and Modern, yay! I also went to see 'No strings attached' which was bloody brilliant. I loved it.

On a more heart-related note:

Being 'just friends' is pretty hard going. Especially when I accidently flirt and make things awkward. It's hard to pretend that I don't miss him, that I don't love him anymore and that he never meant the world to me. Anyone who knows will know that he was my favourite subject to talk about: I never quite loved anyone as much as I did him but these things fall apart sometimes. I believe that everything happens for a reason ... I'm just not exactly sure why this happened, although, I'm sure it'll all make perfect sense ... one day. There is no covering up the fact that I still love him. When I said forever I really did mean it, boy.


Anyhow, I'm totally excited for saturday. Meal and Party for my friend's 18th. Yay! DRINKS ALL ROUND! Totally thrilled.
Enough from me!

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

P.S This is rubbish 'cause I'm shattered.

Dedicated to YOU.

Today has been ... ok ... I guess.

To start with I was at school until lunch: that was ok, I suppose. Never got my English results today because she wasn't there: I was glad, to be honest. Then, I had the doctors: I got told that my nose was infected and stressed, I've never laughed so much in my life. Strange strange doctor.

Anyhow, enough about my daily rountine.

As you can probably see, my day was ... average. As promised in yesterday's blog I went for a walk ... I enjoyed the time to myself to just think. I thought about what I'd blog about so I'll get on with it ...

Sometimes people feel alone, heartbroken and devastated. This can go un-noticed by millions. I wonder when I see people alone with sad expressions on their face, what they are harbouring... what is it that they are concealing? Not only do I wonder about the people with sad obvious expressions on their faces' but also everyone else that walks past ... because if we were being honest every single one of us are concealing something, something that hurts us, somethings that has made us they way we are today. But, sadly in the society we live in we are judged ... If we admit we have problems and/or upset about something we are seen to be "attention seeking" or "depressed". This is completely wrong. Nobody deserves to be judged. The point I'm trying to make is that I wish that everyone could find happiness, help and peace. I wish everyone had a life where they were free to do what they wanted without being judged or hurt. But, that's just an unrealistic dream.

On a personal note:
Not really ready to speak about what happened yet.  Well,  I am ready but I can't find the words ... well I can but then it means I have to accept what has happened: I don't think I'm ready yet. I hate him but I love him. I don't want him in my life but I can't live without him. My head and situation is a mess. Sometimes even while heart broken some things someone - the one you love, also the one who broke your heart - says fills an empty place in your heart. "You're not alone in this. I remain firmly by your side". But then again somethings never change "Emma, you are a problem that even Mathematicans can't solve". No matter what has happened, he is still the only one that I want, need and love. I guess sometimes friendship is better and lasts longer than a relationship. It's going to be hard but I'll get through this. You've left me with your name in my heart, our memories in my mind and your taste on my lips. You have to remain my friend, boy: You know too much.

Song of the moment: Love Hangover - Jason Derulo. Can't listen to it enough. I love it.

Thought of the moment: I don't fear judgement ... 'cause I already know who I am.


One last thing ... I AM WHO I AM. I WONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE. YOU EITHER LIKE IT OR YOU DON'T EITHER WAY ... I DON'T CARE.

PS. I Love all my friends and especially my BLOG BUDDY Lauren! <3

PSS. I have a university day tomorrow ... no school for me. Yay!

Much love,
Emma xxxx

C'est La Vie

It's day 04 and I'm still blogging ... this is a good sign.

Today, was the first day at school since prelims finished. Got my results for Advanced Higher Maths and Higher Chemistry: I failed both! Better luck next time, Emma. -_-

Generally had quite a good day. It was sunny in Aberdeen for a change. Went for a nice long walk, unfortunately I popped into the shop on the way back to get juice and there stood Ms Grubb ... what a weird teacher she is. She asked my opinion on wine! Do I portray a wine drinking image. Working in Next over christmas: several times I was classed as an alcoholic but only ONCE ever did I go in with a hangover. Weird. Maybe I just look like an alcoholic? who knows.

After yesterday's blog, I recieved bad news. Not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe ... Just maybe, I might want to blog about it by the end of the week. Lets just say my amazing guy isn't amazing or mine anymore. Enough said for the time being.

Vodka and Redbull is planned for Saturday: it's my friends 18th. Fair to say that I am excited about it already. It was only this morning that I said I would never drink again. That went out the window BIG STYLE. I'm dying for a good drink ... AGAIN: This is what school has done to me.

Plans for tomorrow:
- School
- Exam results from English
- Doctors
- Depending on my English results ... maybe suicide.
- If it's good news from English then a nice long walk - if it's sunny - is called for: nothing better than having time alone with my thoughts.

Song of the moment: Use Somebody - Kings of Leon. Song that reminds me of him. C'est La Vie.

Thought for the moment: Rock bottom is a good turning point. Things can only get better from here.

Much Love,
Emma xxxx

Day 03 - Suffering

I was right. As I said yesterday …

I'm suffering from a hangover. Never again am I drinking, well, not 'til next weekend.

So, last night/ this morning I have been thinking about what I was going to blog about. I could spend hours talking about last night 'cause it was so good or I could discuss how much I love those 4 girls: I call them my best friends or I could discuss how am missing him – yes the anon guy again – or I could just blog about what comes to my mind … I've gone for the latter: that will probably contain everything I've just went through, or maybe it wont, we'll see. I'll warn any person reading this: This WILL NOT be good. Thinking while hungover first thing on a sunday morning is hell.

There has been this one song, it's been stuck in my head for a couple of days and I'm not sure why, I haven't heard it in months … well, apart from now 'cause I've put it on 'cause it was stuck in my head. This song happens to be The climb – Miley Cyrus. Certain lyrics of it plague my mind:

I can almost see it

The dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

“You'll never reach it”

I guess that this probably has to do with university. I wasn't sure that I'd be accepted – that I'd be good enough – turns out I wasn't for certain choices but surprisingly enough I got a conditional to study Politics and International Relations at Aberdeen University – on the condition I attend summer school and successfully pass: I may not get in but here's hoping – You might think I'm mad for wanting to study Politics. I'd agree. But it's something I thoroughly enjoy, believe it or not. I'm worried that If I don't get it I wont have any prospects. I guess that's why that specific lyrics have been haunting me.

On a lighter note. I adore my friends. All of them. Especially my four best friends. A message for them, although the probably wont read this:

You guys make my life easier, seriously. We spend hours laughing at nothing. We sit talking for hours about nothing. We spend hours doing nothing. But, believe it or not, no matter what we do I always have the time of my life. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

P.S Thanks for last night.

Here I go again … My anon guy. All I have to say is I MISS YOU. Miles can separate us. People can stand in our way but they can't stop these feelings. I LOVE YOU. People say I was stupid to let myself fall for a “player” like you. Firstly, how could I have prevented myself. Secondly, what right to say you're a “player”? They have no right. Not one of them. Yes, you have a history. But, don't we all? As far as I can see you're not “playing” me. But, even if you were … I'd still love you.

I don't care what anybody has to say. We stupidly fell in love. So what? I'm having the time of my life … well, when I get to be with you, I do. You are my knight in shining armour. One day … one day, they'll accept us and let us live our lives … together. I LOVE YOU.

Looking in the sky, I can see your face

And then I know right were I fit in

Take me, make me, you know I'll always be in love with you

Right 'til the end

That lyrics say it all.

That's enough for me. Back to bed I go: I think. I can't cope with this hangover.

Much love,

Emma xxxx