C'est La Vie

It's day 04 and I'm still blogging ... this is a good sign.

Today, was the first day at school since prelims finished. Got my results for Advanced Higher Maths and Higher Chemistry: I failed both! Better luck next time, Emma. -_-

Generally had quite a good day. It was sunny in Aberdeen for a change. Went for a nice long walk, unfortunately I popped into the shop on the way back to get juice and there stood Ms Grubb ... what a weird teacher she is. She asked my opinion on wine! Do I portray a wine drinking image. Working in Next over christmas: several times I was classed as an alcoholic but only ONCE ever did I go in with a hangover. Weird. Maybe I just look like an alcoholic? who knows.

After yesterday's blog, I recieved bad news. Not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe ... Just maybe, I might want to blog about it by the end of the week. Lets just say my amazing guy isn't amazing or mine anymore. Enough said for the time being.

Vodka and Redbull is planned for Saturday: it's my friends 18th. Fair to say that I am excited about it already. It was only this morning that I said I would never drink again. That went out the window BIG STYLE. I'm dying for a good drink ... AGAIN: This is what school has done to me.

Plans for tomorrow:
- School
- Exam results from English
- Doctors
- Depending on my English results ... maybe suicide.
- If it's good news from English then a nice long walk - if it's sunny - is called for: nothing better than having time alone with my thoughts.

Song of the moment: Use Somebody - Kings of Leon. Song that reminds me of him. C'est La Vie.

Thought for the moment: Rock bottom is a good turning point. Things can only get better from here.

Much Love,
Emma xxxx

Day 03 - Suffering

I was right. As I said yesterday …

I'm suffering from a hangover. Never again am I drinking, well, not 'til next weekend.

So, last night/ this morning I have been thinking about what I was going to blog about. I could spend hours talking about last night 'cause it was so good or I could discuss how much I love those 4 girls: I call them my best friends or I could discuss how am missing him – yes the anon guy again – or I could just blog about what comes to my mind … I've gone for the latter: that will probably contain everything I've just went through, or maybe it wont, we'll see. I'll warn any person reading this: This WILL NOT be good. Thinking while hungover first thing on a sunday morning is hell.

There has been this one song, it's been stuck in my head for a couple of days and I'm not sure why, I haven't heard it in months … well, apart from now 'cause I've put it on 'cause it was stuck in my head. This song happens to be The climb – Miley Cyrus. Certain lyrics of it plague my mind:

I can almost see it

The dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

“You'll never reach it”

I guess that this probably has to do with university. I wasn't sure that I'd be accepted – that I'd be good enough – turns out I wasn't for certain choices but surprisingly enough I got a conditional to study Politics and International Relations at Aberdeen University – on the condition I attend summer school and successfully pass: I may not get in but here's hoping – You might think I'm mad for wanting to study Politics. I'd agree. But it's something I thoroughly enjoy, believe it or not. I'm worried that If I don't get it I wont have any prospects. I guess that's why that specific lyrics have been haunting me.

On a lighter note. I adore my friends. All of them. Especially my four best friends. A message for them, although the probably wont read this:

You guys make my life easier, seriously. We spend hours laughing at nothing. We sit talking for hours about nothing. We spend hours doing nothing. But, believe it or not, no matter what we do I always have the time of my life. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

P.S Thanks for last night.

Here I go again … My anon guy. All I have to say is I MISS YOU. Miles can separate us. People can stand in our way but they can't stop these feelings. I LOVE YOU. People say I was stupid to let myself fall for a “player” like you. Firstly, how could I have prevented myself. Secondly, what right to say you're a “player”? They have no right. Not one of them. Yes, you have a history. But, don't we all? As far as I can see you're not “playing” me. But, even if you were … I'd still love you.

I don't care what anybody has to say. We stupidly fell in love. So what? I'm having the time of my life … well, when I get to be with you, I do. You are my knight in shining armour. One day … one day, they'll accept us and let us live our lives … together. I LOVE YOU.

Looking in the sky, I can see your face

And then I know right were I fit in

Take me, make me, you know I'll always be in love with you

Right 'til the end

That lyrics say it all.

That's enough for me. Back to bed I go: I think. I can't cope with this hangover.

Much love,

Emma xxxx

Day 02 - Thoughts from my troubled mind.

Girlie night tonight with the girls (hence girlie night). Loads of drink, music, wii and pizza will be involved. It is much needed to be honest. But, that isn't the point of this blog.

First things first, I have to thank my good friend Lauren: she got me into this. This girl is seriously amazing and her blogs are inspirational. I've learnt things I never knew before. AND for all those people who said people ''attention seek'' when blogging about their problems … you're wrong. If it helps the person writing it, then let them you have no right to judge someone when you don't know what they are and have gone through.

Anyhow, there is so many things haunt my mind...

In the next … 10 months … everything will change. Leaving school: I'm ready for it now. Will Be a difficult adjustment. My best friend is … possibly moving away … All my other friend will be carrying on with their life. I guess I'm afraid I'll get lost in the transition and be forgotten.

I said in my first blog yesterday that I have a difficult home life. I'm not going to lie: I do but it's where I come from. Yes, it upsets me and gets me down now and then but I continue to smile. I still have my parents … even though they aren't medically fit but life's life. I have people in my life that help and make things easier for me. I don't believe in religion or god but I believe I was dealt this hand in life for a reason. Not entirely sure why yet but there is one thing for sure, I can deal with pretty much what ever is thrown at me.

However, there are two main people who help me, sometimes without realising it:

My best friend … people who know me will know who she is … has been my best friend for 6 years. We've fallen out a lot but we seem to have grown out of that stage now. She is the only one I can truly say that is ALWAYS there for me. She's there through the good times and there through the bad. She's helped me out of many situations. She's the one I go to when I need someone to talk to, when I need advice and just generally a friend. It is fair to say she's been there through it all. I owe her a lot. There is a possibility that she will move away. I guess I'm worried that I'll lose her. Maybe I'm just being stupid or maybe that is the grim reality. I really hope not. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without her. She is one of the two most important people to me (excluding my family).

“When I get married, she'll be my maid of honor.

When I have a baby, she'll be the godmother.

And when I'm grown, she'll be playing bingo with me at the nursing home.

More than my best friend. She's my other half”

Honestly we are joint at the hip and when it comes to the time when we go to different universities I don't know how I'll cope. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love this girl too pieces. Please never replace me. Cheers.

The other most important person … I'll blog about him a lot … you'll get sick of it. As I've said already I find him AMAZING. But, this part is dedicated to him so I'll do it again but slightly different.

There isn't enough words in the world to describe how I feel about him. You know when you get down and you don't feel like talking, smiling or facing the world … well, he always manages to get me out of it pretty much straight away – he's amazing like that. He says all the right things at all the right time. When he smiles at me my heart flips and my stomach plummets about 100 feet. When he hugs me, I automatically feel safe. I could be placed in the centre of a war and if he was there hugging me I would feel perfectly safe … stupidly. When he talks to me and tells me how he feels about me … everything else no matter what my problems were just dissolve away. Recently, things got tough and I turned to him for help. He hugged me for half an hour straight (of his lunch break) – never letting me go once – and told me that everything was going to be ok. He genuinely is amazing. Our situations prevent us from being together but no matter how stupid it sounds: he will remain firmly in my heart.

What makes me love him: 1. The way he makes me feel. 2. The way he tells me he loves me. 3. The way he treats me. 4. His eyes. 5.His hair. 6.His big-headness. 7.His caring side. 8. His jealousy. 9. His ass ;). 10. EVERYTHING about him... even the bad things (I can't even think of one though).

I could go on forever about what I love about him but ...

What I'm trying to say is: without him I'm lost. I hate how the situation is and how my parents wouldn't approve. Nobody understands. Nobody. We've kept it a secret for so long but it's got complicated and ended. I've lost him and need to get him back. I thought seeing other guys would help but it didn't – it drove me to cheat on them and hurt people in the process. Anyhow, people tell me to move on … forget about him. But truth be told I will never get over him … not 'cause I can't but 'cause I don't want to. I believe that he was made for me and I'm determined to prove to the world that we are meant for each other and that we can make it work. Things will work out, I have to believe that.

One last thing : He played this song to me before he left for the last time and told me it's the best way he can say what he feels… Don't say goodbye – Olly Murs

The lyrics that stood out were :

There's a word that would hurt

I can feel it on your lips

Like a gun to my heart

When all I want is a kiss

But we fell so hard and it felt so right

So dont let it all end here tonight

And we could fall all over again

Dont say goodbye

Keep us alive

'cause my world would stop if we wouldn't try

All I have to say is I'm not the one willing to give up on us. I don't want you to leave. I honestly don't want to live without you … ever. I love you more than anything. You know that. Never ever forget.

As everyone will have guessed my Best friend and a guy (whom will remain anon) are the most important people in my life (excluding my family). I owe them two a lot and can't life without either of them. BUT, I have many other friends who I adore and worship. They mean just as much. I love all you guys.

Anyhow, enough from me. I will be getting into a right state tonight and will suffer tomorrow. But I will make sure that I blog again tomorrow – while I suffer from a hangover, no doubt.

Much love,

Emma xxxx

My first blog!

So, I'm completely new to this ...

I don't know where to start ...

I'll give anybody out there reading this the basics of who I am ...

I'm Emma Thomson, I'm seventeen and attend Kincorth Academy: I leave in 3 months, a scary though but as they say bigger and better things await. I have recieved a conditional for Aberdeen University to study Politics. That leads me on to my next point: I adore politics, strange? I'd agree. I'm completely and utterly random and strange. I believe that it's a good thing though.

On a more ... personal note ... well, it's more the going on's in my head and heart ...

I have many things that bubble under the surface but regardless I always have a smile planted on my face. My reason? No-one truly cares what you're going through 50% are just curious and the other 50% are glad that we have these problems. I have many problems but they make me who I am. I've experienced loss of loved ones. Watched my granda die for 2 years: as a result built up a wall in which nobody gets to overcome. Watched my dads health decline over the last 8 years and watch my mum suffer several strokes. Suprisingly this is the first time I've expressed this in words. Why? 'cause it's the hand I was delt with - for all you card players out there - I believe that I was given these problems to deal with to make me a stronger person and it has, it's made me  much stronger. It also made me grow up faster, never really had the option BUT after everything I've experienced and gone through ... heartbreak is the one thing I can't come to terms with.

There is that one guy ... the one guy that I love. His eyes - sky blue - they are truly amazing. His blonde hair that he styles in a way I've never seen before. His day old stubble that gives him that rough look. His caring side that is very rarely on show. His ego - very big indeed - is something that I also adore. His laugh - strange one he has but - the cutest I've ever heard. His weird little habbits - the way he holds paper while writing- is also adorable. As you can probably see I find this guy AMAZING. Unfortunately, not all is plain sailing. There are many reason why we can't publicly be together. Our age... he is older ... not significantly older but my parents wouldn't approve. His situation ... not ideal. The reason we met each other ... also another factor. My point of all this is the one guy that I've never truly had is the only guy that has broke my heart - not his fault - the one guy I can't bare to see leave. What I hate most is that the society we live in today is full of people who disapprove and judge. Nobody can judge. Nobody has the right to stand in the way of love but in modern day society it is all too complicated. Maybe just maybe in the furture things will work out.

I've said enough for my first blog.

I hope that it was acceptable :)