Girlie night tonight with the girls (hence girlie night). Loads of drink, music, wii and pizza will be involved. It is much needed to be honest. But, that isn't the point of this blog.
First things first, I have to thank my good friend Lauren: she got me into this. This girl is seriously amazing and her blogs are inspirational. I've learnt things I never knew before. AND for all those people who said people ''attention seek'' when blogging about their problems … you're wrong. If it helps the person writing it, then let them you have no right to judge someone when you don't know what they are and have gone through.
Anyhow, there is so many things haunt my mind...
In the next … 10 months … everything will change. Leaving school: I'm ready for it now. Will Be a difficult adjustment. My best friend is … possibly moving away … All my other friend will be carrying on with their life. I guess I'm afraid I'll get lost in the transition and be forgotten.
I said in my first blog yesterday that I have a difficult home life. I'm not going to lie: I do but it's where I come from. Yes, it upsets me and gets me down now and then but I continue to smile. I still have my parents … even though they aren't medically fit but life's life. I have people in my life that help and make things easier for me. I don't believe in religion or god but I believe I was dealt this hand in life for a reason. Not entirely sure why yet but there is one thing for sure, I can deal with pretty much what ever is thrown at me.
However, there are two main people who help me, sometimes without realising it:
My best friend … people who know me will know who she is … has been my best friend for 6 years. We've fallen out a lot but we seem to have grown out of that stage now. She is the only one I can truly say that is ALWAYS there for me. She's there through the good times and there through the bad. She's helped me out of many situations. She's the one I go to when I need someone to talk to, when I need advice and just generally a friend. It is fair to say she's been there through it all. I owe her a lot. There is a possibility that she will move away. I guess I'm worried that I'll lose her. Maybe I'm just being stupid or maybe that is the grim reality. I really hope not. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without her. She is one of the two most important people to me (excluding my family).
“When I get married, she'll be my maid of honor.
When I have a baby, she'll be the godmother.
And when I'm grown, she'll be playing bingo with me at the nursing home.
More than my best friend. She's my other half”
Honestly we are joint at the hip and when it comes to the time when we go to different universities I don't know how I'll cope. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love this girl too pieces. Please never replace me. Cheers.
The other most important person … I'll blog about him a lot … you'll get sick of it. As I've said already I find him AMAZING. But, this part is dedicated to him so I'll do it again but slightly different.
There isn't enough words in the world to describe how I feel about him. You know when you get down and you don't feel like talking, smiling or facing the world … well, he always manages to get me out of it pretty much straight away – he's amazing like that. He says all the right things at all the right time. When he smiles at me my heart flips and my stomach plummets about 100 feet. When he hugs me, I automatically feel safe. I could be placed in the centre of a war and if he was there hugging me I would feel perfectly safe … stupidly. When he talks to me and tells me how he feels about me … everything else no matter what my problems were just dissolve away. Recently, things got tough and I turned to him for help. He hugged me for half an hour straight (of his lunch break) – never letting me go once – and told me that everything was going to be ok. He genuinely is amazing. Our situations prevent us from being together but no matter how stupid it sounds: he will remain firmly in my heart.
What makes me love him: 1. The way he makes me feel. 2. The way he tells me he loves me. 3. The way he treats me. 4. His eyes. 5.His hair. 6.His big-headness. 7.His caring side. 8. His jealousy. 9. His ass ;). 10. EVERYTHING about him... even the bad things (I can't even think of one though).
I could go on forever about what I love about him but ...
What I'm trying to say is: without him I'm lost. I hate how the situation is and how my parents wouldn't approve. Nobody understands. Nobody. We've kept it a secret for so long but it's got complicated and ended. I've lost him and need to get him back. I thought seeing other guys would help but it didn't – it drove me to cheat on them and hurt people in the process. Anyhow, people tell me to move on … forget about him. But truth be told I will never get over him … not 'cause I can't but 'cause I don't want to. I believe that he was made for me and I'm determined to prove to the world that we are meant for each other and that we can make it work. Things will work out, I have to believe that.
One last thing : He played this song to me before he left for the last time and told me it's the best way he can say what he feels… Don't say goodbye – Olly Murs
The lyrics that stood out were :
There's a word that would hurt
I can feel it on your lips
Like a gun to my heart
When all I want is a kiss
But we fell so hard and it felt so right
So dont let it all end here tonight
And we could fall all over again
Dont say goodbye
Keep us alive
'cause my world would stop if we wouldn't try
All I have to say is I'm not the one willing to give up on us. I don't want you to leave. I honestly don't want to live without you … ever. I love you more than anything. You know that. Never ever forget.
As everyone will have guessed my Best friend and a guy (whom will remain anon) are the most important people in my life (excluding my family). I owe them two a lot and can't life without either of them. BUT, I have many other friends who I adore and worship. They mean just as much. I love all you guys.
Anyhow, enough from me. I will be getting into a right state tonight and will suffer tomorrow. But I will make sure that I blog again tomorrow – while I suffer from a hangover, no doubt.
Much love,
Emma xxxx
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