Back again

I'm going to blog about the things that has had the biggest influence on who I am today. These things would be: my family, friends and "love".

My Family:

They are the mean reason that I've stayed on the right track. My mum and dad have been great parents. They have been pains at times but they have did what they thought was best for me and I'd like to thank them for it. Without them I dread to thing where I'd be. Also, my brother: he is a fucking pain in the arse but without a shadow of a doubt I still love him. He's awesome - he's always up for a good scrap. The only other family member that has had a significant impact is my late Granda. Everything changed the day he died. He was taken suddenly and I'll never forget him. He'll always be my inspiration despite the fact that he wasn't perfect. He's my very own gaurdian angel, or so I hope. I love you guys. ALWAYS.

My friends:

These guys are there for me no matter what.

Katie, Hannah, Laura and Sophie - I thank you guys from the deepest corner of my heart. These guys taught me how to love, live, smile and laugh through all the pain. These pulled me out of my darkest hours. These guys taught me to dance in the rain, to sing my heart out and never let anyone or anything get the better of me. They have taught me how to be a complete tit while drunk and taught me what true friends are like. No matter where we are or what we're doing we always have the best of times. I love you lot so much.

The girls and I. Missing Katie though.

Sean and Ryan. We've had our up and down boys but boy the ups have been damn good. Ryan you kindly split my head about 7 years ago. Thanks. You genuinely made me stronger. You've always been around to pick up the pieces. We've had a few childhood romances but they never went anywhere. I'm glad. I prefer having you as a mate. You're great. You deserve the best. Sean, where do I begin with you. What an actual arse. Yet, one of the best gyuys that I've ever met. We had bloody good times. Your cuddles were always the best. I just wish you hadn't been so stupid but nothing lasts forever. Love you pair.

To all my other friends, I love you guys dearly too.

"Love"

Don't believe that I've ever been in love. Still been extremely close with some people. My two last guys in particular - anon and Sean - they've had the most impact on me recently but both have turned horrible for different reasons. Sean was what I thought the "one" was. But as recent events showed, this isn't the case. We try to work things out but sometimes when something is broken there's no fixing it. I'll miss him regardless though.
The other guy. I haven't forgot him, I just don't want to talk about it. Sometimes something hurts worse than intially expected. Anyone who knows me will know that I'm not a relationship kind of girl. Flirting and no strings attached FTW.

Peace out fuckers
Much love,
Emma
xxxx

It's been far too long.

I've not blogged in about two weeks. To be honest, it's 'cause I had nothing to blog about ... I still don't.

I've had a rather busy couple of weeks: Been at school and out, never really had to time to get round to blogging but thought I'd do it just now - while I had a spare hour or two.

Not much is changed with me apart from Sean and I's relationship has ended. Orginally, I left him 'cause I had insercurities and compared it far too much to me ex but turns out that he cheated on me. Cunt. I'll get over it though. People ask "are you ok?" well, ofcourse I'm not. I miss him. I wish I things hadn't worked out this way but they did and I just need to accept that. I'll move on, I'm in the process. Do I still love him or someone else? No, I don't. I never did truly love him. I don't know the meaning of the word. Is there someone else? Not really. Yeah I flirt with quite a few guys but nine times out of ten that's all that it is. 

Almost leaving school ... I am delighted. Nervous 'cause of the change but greatful to finally be leaving. Moving on to bigger and better things. I'm going to miss so many people though. 
But, they'll make it to my future if they were supposed to. I believe in fate.

Also, got invited to Lisa's leaving drinks. Think I may go. Although, it'll be underage drinking :O how naughty of me! I miss my Berryden chums. Hope to see them all soon though. Didn't realise how many of them that I actually got on with so well until I left!

Don't really know what else to say ...

Much love,
Emma
xxxx

No more brave faces

I promised yesterday that I'd have a better topic to blog about. But, I'm feeling pretty crap so it's going to be another dperessing blog. So, I'll apologise in advance. I'm going to try to stop blogging about that guy after this blog. I'll try to blog happier blogs after this.

I'll start on a lighter note though:
I had quite a good laugh at school today. I was very hyper fourth period and at lunch. I'm sure Lauren and Ashleigh had a right good laugh when I killed my fist. I was spinning my arm and I was about to ask them how far they think I'd fly spining my arms the way I was doing it ...thats when I full force smacked my hand off of the ledge ... It fucking hurt. I also had a right good laugh in the common room and then in English: The things Mrs Fulton comes away with are legendary, I'm going to miss her for sure when I leave. That's another thing I'm not to keen about - leaving school. It's rapidly approaching. Help?!

Forbzee:
She's still in London. It was the first day of judging for the competition today. I heard that 250.000 turned up. I'm sure she did well though. I wish her all the best of luck for the remainder of the competition. She can do it, I'm sure. Not going to lie ... I miss her.

Jonathon:
Anyone who doesn't know, Jonathon was my first love but thankfully I grew out of it. Not that long ago, to be honest. But this pain in the arse has re-appeared in my life and he's annoying me already. After everything that he did he thinks he can just come waltzing back into my life as though nothing ever happened ... you thought wrong, boy. Just leave. I'm done with you. I'm done with you for good, after what you did you're lucky that I haven't punched you yet. It's not often that I can say I truly dislike someone. I honestly never want to see you again. You ruined some of the best days of my life, thanks.

My (actually he's not mine, now) Boy:
I saw you with her tonight. My heart sunk. I've finally had to accept it. You're gone. You've moved on. Well, you've moved back. You're back with her. I know this time I've lost you, lost you for good. I honestly hate it. I wish I hadn't been so naive, so stupid, I presumed that I'd never push you away enough until you turned your back on me completely. But, here I stand watching you leave ... with her. I can't bare it. I know that it's all down to me. I was stupid. I was immature. I cheated. I ruined it. I lost the only guy who has truly loved me, loved me for who I was. Yes, you weren't innocent either but I blame myself for that. I convinced myself that you'd never leave me, you'd always be mine, you'd always be my best friend. How wrong could I have been? You said we'd always be friends but even that, I managed to fuck that up too. Everyone that knows the story believes that you were just childish. I know otherwise. I know that it was all self-inflicted. I have never been more regretful in my life. I guess it's just something I have to live with ... I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and it was all of my own doing. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Right now as people can probably tell I feel pretty rubbish. Music normal helps to pull me out of this mood but its drowning me deeper. He usually saves me when it gets too much but he's no where to be found. My best friend would normally be here to offer her support but even she's busy - I understand though - who am I to expect someone to help me. I'll have to pull myself out of it, I'm sure I'll manage. I was born a survivor. I wont let this ruin me.

I've also been thinking a lot about my Granda. I've been writing a personal reflective essay about him. There's not a day that goes by without me thinking of him. I miss him. I miss him more than I thought I ever would. I want to see him, just one last time. I want him to reassure me, to tell me that he's okay. That he's enjoying "afterlife". I want to reassured that he hasn't forgotten about me. I love you Granda.
R.I.P 15/05/33 - 02/01/02. Gone but NEVER forgotten.

As I said yesterday I love Adele (the singer). Her music is lovely. Probably responsible for making me feel worse but I still love it, regardless.

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

Someone like you

I've remembered that I had to blog today. Thought I'd do it now before I go to Beavers. Yes, you read right: I am a young leader at Beavers 55th Kincorth. I'm not going to lie I'm a bigger kid than most of them. I actually love Beavers, those little kids always make me smile. Little cuties.

So today I was at school until 3rd period. PSE: was rubbish. English: was boring. Chemisty: was a living hell. I am honestly getting sick of school. Nothing exciting ever happens now. All the teachers talk about now is exams... but I just don't care anymore, I really don't. Not long left though. Although, after saying that I did come home and did my English homework - which is not me. I'm also ready for Beavers, hence why I have time to blog before I leave at half past.

I'd like to take the time to wish Forbzee happy birthday. She's 18 today and is spending it in London. Lucky for some. Actually getting used to her being away ... not a good sign. I'm sure we'll be back to being joint at the hip next week. I actually concentrate more in Maths 'cause I have no-one to talk to. It's true what they say ... every cloud has a silver lining.

I'd also like to say a bit that might seem like a riddle, it might not. I'm not sure.
I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is ... to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. What I mean is when we finish in a relationship we sometimes decide to stay friends, some even decide to stay friends ... with benefits. But, if you ask me. Talking from experience I think it is harder being his friend than losing him completely. But we are all free to make are own choices ... whether they are right or whether they are mistakes. I've made many many mistakes but there's not many that I'd go back and prevent from happening. Sometimes when things get a bit much I wish I could go back to the day that I met him and prevent myself from meeting him or go back to the day where we reached the next level in our friendship but truth be told when I sit back and analysis things: no-one has ever had such an impact on my life, no-one has changed me - whether it was for better or worse - and no-one has ever loved me the way he loved me. There is no doubt that people can come into our lives and have such an impact but then leave as quick as they came. He may be gone but by god he sure did leave foot prints on my heart. So there we have it. I miss you but I understand that nothing lasts forever. 

Adele, her music is amazing. The lyrics are the words I can't speak. They are the thoughts in  my head that I can't voice. Some of her songs were designed for my situation. Just saying. 

I'll be back tomorrow with hopefully a more exciting blog.
Much love, 
Emma
xxxx

Always looking down

Stranger! That's what I'm becoming to this whole blogging scenerio: I haven't blogged since saturday, I'm dissapointed in myself. I promise to up my game, pull my finger out and blog more. This blog MIGHT be longer than usual: I might have a lot to speak about.

Saturday with the girls:
I had awesome day with my girls. We went for a meal at the Cove Bay Hotel to celebrate Sophie's 18th: It was really nice and a good catch-up with the girls, we had a right good laugh too. I love those guys to pieces. We then went back to Sophie's for drinks, Kristina joined us too, not going to lie I got myself into a bit of state. Apparently I was "drunk" but I don't think I was. I think I was just ... confused. I claimed many things which I can honestly say are NOT true. I'll learn one day. The good thing is that I woke up free of a hangover, that made the night even better.

Anyhow, I should mention the absense of my best friend, Forbzee. Currently, Katie is in London: she will begin to prepare for her competition tomorrow. She is representing Scotland in her category, isn't that something amazing. If I am being honest it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. She is quite a bright spark. I'd like to wish her good luck again. I'm sure your project is amazing and so much better than most of the other ones. I have faith in you, girl. Despite the fact she just left this morning I have to admit I'm missing my partner in crime quite a bit. I dread to think how I will cope when we go to uni'. People wouldn't believe the amount of people said it was weird and strange to see me without Katie. Everyone is so used to us being joint at the hip. Mr Shaw even commented on my lonliness. But, Forbzee goodluck, win the competition, happy birthday for tomorrow and GET YOUR ARSE BACK UP HERE.

Thoughts of my future has again been plaguing my mind. I am quite gutted and scared all the same about leaving Kincoth Academy in the matter of a couple of months. I honestly don't want to. This year has been so good aswell. I have to admit 5th and 6th year this year are like the biggest family ever. We all get on so well. I can't believe I didn't even register their presence this time last year. They are an amazing bunch and I will be truly gutted to leave them behind. I really hope I keep in contact with a fair few of them. Also, I've been doin' my summer school application and I'm extremely excited about uni'. I really want a fresh start at the same time just to meet new people and make new friends. I guess while feeling down about leaving Kincorth Academy, I'm thrilled to be moving on in the world. As the wise man (or should I say Mr SmartyPants, he knows who he is) said "Moving on to bigger and better things".

I would normally right a bit about the anon guy but all I have to say is ...
By god, I miss you more than you could imagine but this is how it's got to be. Love you, regardless.


I have a couple of quotes that I'd like to share with the world 'cause they are helping me quite a bit, just now:

Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch your hearts. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you can share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs, and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thin in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life.

This time its over I'm keeping my heart, I'm gonna be strong and not fall apart it'll get better, I'll no longer cryin a couple of weeks I won't want to die, I won't want to go back. I'll be able to sleep, it won't hurt so bad and it won't hurt so deep!

They are quite self-explanatory. They help me. Or should I say ... they reflect how I feel just now.

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

Lessons well learnt.

I forgot to blog yesterday. Well, that's a lie. I didn't forget. I just didn't have time. I was at school all day then went into town afterwards and then on to Russell Howard and by the time I got home I was shattered and couldn't be bothered blogging. So, I'll make this EXTRA LONG.

Russell Howard:

Russell Howard is an actually legend. I honestly can say that I've never laughed so much in my entire life. It was amazing. I'll never look at a bird or a 70 year old woman in the same way again. Just saying. I had the time of my life not even going to lie. Also, his body. WOW. I can safely say I LOVE HIM. That guy is one amazing little fucker. I saw so many people that I knew. Also, saw people that I haven't seen in years. Safe to say it was an amazing start to an already amazing weekend.

This Weekend:

Plans for today: Town with Katie; Meal with Laura, Sophie, Katie and Hannah; Then drinks with that lot and Kristina. It will be good, I have no doubts. Honestly cannot wait. It will make up for such a shit week. Yesterday my maths teacher said and I quote “Your ability is away up here *points to the roof* but unfortunately for some reason your results suggest your way down here *points to the ground*” To make it worse I was given an extra for periods a week for Chemistry because I'm not working hard enough. Actually so annoyed. Such as life.

On a more personal note:

I'm not going to lie, there's no point. You left me. You cheated. You lied. But, the thing that still throws me is that no matter what you've done I still love you... stupidly. But, you should know. I'm getting over you: we may remain friends but at this stage a break away is exactly what I'm wanting from you. You ask me what you can do to make it up to me. My answer to that is … just leave me alone. No matter how much you mean to me, I'm going to cry my last tear and smile again. I'll remember the times we had – they were amazing. I'll never forget what you've taught me. You taught me to accept myself for who I truly am. You taught me that I should never change for anyone because if they truly loved me, they would love me for who I already am. You taught me how to love. I'm not going to deny that. They are lessons I'll never forget. You've had such an impact on my life and for that I thank you. But, time is moving us on.

Despite everything I'm in such a good mood.

I will blog tomorrow. While, hungover AGAIN!

Much Love,

Emma

xxxx

No strings attached

Firstly, I never blogged yesterday! Poor show!

Yesterday I attended the MA applicant day at Aberdeen University. I met the lovely Dominic and Rachel. They were both lovely and I can tell that if we end up studying together we'll become VERY good friends. We spent the day together was really good. They are two amazing people that, to be honest, if I never saw them again I'd still remember them. I've never met anyone quite like them.  I also spent time talking to the head of Politics - he was also lovely. Cant wait to start university - heres hoping I get in and pass summer school. On the whole, the applicant day was an AWESOME experience.

Today, has been a little more normal. Found out that I've passed English and Modern, yay! I also went to see 'No strings attached' which was bloody brilliant. I loved it.

On a more heart-related note:

Being 'just friends' is pretty hard going. Especially when I accidently flirt and make things awkward. It's hard to pretend that I don't miss him, that I don't love him anymore and that he never meant the world to me. Anyone who knows will know that he was my favourite subject to talk about: I never quite loved anyone as much as I did him but these things fall apart sometimes. I believe that everything happens for a reason ... I'm just not exactly sure why this happened, although, I'm sure it'll all make perfect sense ... one day. There is no covering up the fact that I still love him. When I said forever I really did mean it, boy.


Anyhow, I'm totally excited for saturday. Meal and Party for my friend's 18th. Yay! DRINKS ALL ROUND! Totally thrilled.
Enough from me!

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

P.S This is rubbish 'cause I'm shattered.

Dedicated to YOU.

Today has been ... ok ... I guess.

To start with I was at school until lunch: that was ok, I suppose. Never got my English results today because she wasn't there: I was glad, to be honest. Then, I had the doctors: I got told that my nose was infected and stressed, I've never laughed so much in my life. Strange strange doctor.

Anyhow, enough about my daily rountine.

As you can probably see, my day was ... average. As promised in yesterday's blog I went for a walk ... I enjoyed the time to myself to just think. I thought about what I'd blog about so I'll get on with it ...

Sometimes people feel alone, heartbroken and devastated. This can go un-noticed by millions. I wonder when I see people alone with sad expressions on their face, what they are harbouring... what is it that they are concealing? Not only do I wonder about the people with sad obvious expressions on their faces' but also everyone else that walks past ... because if we were being honest every single one of us are concealing something, something that hurts us, somethings that has made us they way we are today. But, sadly in the society we live in we are judged ... If we admit we have problems and/or upset about something we are seen to be "attention seeking" or "depressed". This is completely wrong. Nobody deserves to be judged. The point I'm trying to make is that I wish that everyone could find happiness, help and peace. I wish everyone had a life where they were free to do what they wanted without being judged or hurt. But, that's just an unrealistic dream.

On a personal note:
Not really ready to speak about what happened yet.  Well,  I am ready but I can't find the words ... well I can but then it means I have to accept what has happened: I don't think I'm ready yet. I hate him but I love him. I don't want him in my life but I can't live without him. My head and situation is a mess. Sometimes even while heart broken some things someone - the one you love, also the one who broke your heart - says fills an empty place in your heart. "You're not alone in this. I remain firmly by your side". But then again somethings never change "Emma, you are a problem that even Mathematicans can't solve". No matter what has happened, he is still the only one that I want, need and love. I guess sometimes friendship is better and lasts longer than a relationship. It's going to be hard but I'll get through this. You've left me with your name in my heart, our memories in my mind and your taste on my lips. You have to remain my friend, boy: You know too much.

Song of the moment: Love Hangover - Jason Derulo. Can't listen to it enough. I love it.

Thought of the moment: I don't fear judgement ... 'cause I already know who I am.


One last thing ... I AM WHO I AM. I WONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE. YOU EITHER LIKE IT OR YOU DON'T EITHER WAY ... I DON'T CARE.

PS. I Love all my friends and especially my BLOG BUDDY Lauren! <3

PSS. I have a university day tomorrow ... no school for me. Yay!

Much love,
Emma xxxx