I promised yesterday that I'd have a better topic to blog about. But, I'm feeling pretty crap so it's going to be another dperessing blog. So, I'll apologise in advance. I'm going to try to stop blogging about that guy after this blog. I'll try to blog happier blogs after this.
I'll start on a lighter note though:
I had quite a good laugh at school today. I was very hyper fourth period and at lunch. I'm sure Lauren and Ashleigh had a right good laugh when I killed my fist. I was spinning my arm and I was about to ask them how far they think I'd fly spining my arms the way I was doing it ...thats when I full force smacked my hand off of the ledge ... It fucking hurt. I also had a right good laugh in the common room and then in English: The things Mrs Fulton comes away with are legendary, I'm going to miss her for sure when I leave. That's another thing I'm not to keen about - leaving school. It's rapidly approaching. Help?!
Forbzee:
She's still in London. It was the first day of judging for the competition today. I heard that 250.000 turned up. I'm sure she did well though. I wish her all the best of luck for the remainder of the competition. She can do it, I'm sure. Not going to lie ... I miss her.
Jonathon:
Anyone who doesn't know, Jonathon was my first love but thankfully I grew out of it. Not that long ago, to be honest. But this pain in the arse has re-appeared in my life and he's annoying me already. After everything that he did he thinks he can just come waltzing back into my life as though nothing ever happened ... you thought wrong, boy. Just leave. I'm done with you. I'm done with you for good, after what you did you're lucky that I haven't punched you yet. It's not often that I can say I truly dislike someone. I honestly never want to see you again. You ruined some of the best days of my life, thanks.
My (actually he's not mine, now) Boy:
I saw you with her tonight. My heart sunk. I've finally had to accept it. You're gone. You've moved on. Well, you've moved back. You're back with her. I know this time I've lost you, lost you for good. I honestly hate it. I wish I hadn't been so naive, so stupid, I presumed that I'd never push you away enough until you turned your back on me completely. But, here I stand watching you leave ... with her. I can't bare it. I know that it's all down to me. I was stupid. I was immature. I cheated. I ruined it. I lost the only guy who has truly loved me, loved me for who I was. Yes, you weren't innocent either but I blame myself for that. I convinced myself that you'd never leave me, you'd always be mine, you'd always be my best friend. How wrong could I have been? You said we'd always be friends but even that, I managed to fuck that up too. Everyone that knows the story believes that you were just childish. I know otherwise. I know that it was all self-inflicted. I have never been more regretful in my life. I guess it's just something I have to live with ... I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and it was all of my own doing. I'm sorry. Goodbye.
Right now as people can probably tell I feel pretty rubbish. Music normal helps to pull me out of this mood but its drowning me deeper. He usually saves me when it gets too much but he's no where to be found. My best friend would normally be here to offer her support but even she's busy - I understand though - who am I to expect someone to help me. I'll have to pull myself out of it, I'm sure I'll manage. I was born a survivor. I wont let this ruin me.
I've also been thinking a lot about my Granda. I've been writing a personal reflective essay about him. There's not a day that goes by without me thinking of him. I miss him. I miss him more than I thought I ever would. I want to see him, just one last time. I want him to reassure me, to tell me that he's okay. That he's enjoying "afterlife". I want to reassured that he hasn't forgotten about me. I love you Granda.
R.I.P 15/05/33 - 02/01/02. Gone but NEVER forgotten.
As I said yesterday I love Adele (the singer). Her music is lovely. Probably responsible for making me feel worse but I still love it, regardless.
Much Love,
Emma
xxxx
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