The end of a chapter...

The end of a chapter in my life...

Today was my last ever day at school. After 13 long years, I waved goodbye to my school days; 7 brilliant years at Kirkhill Primary and 6 amazing years at Kincorth Academy, those are the days that I'll never forget. Four special mentions, in relation to this; Emma Rezin, Aimee Robertson, Erin Clark and Kristina Melvin. Wondering why I've named these four amazing girls? Well, Emma and Erin have been in my playgroup, nursery, primary and academy ... in total we've spent 15 years together, they are both amazing girls that have never failed to cheer me up. Aimee and Kristina have been in my primary and academy, that in total is 13 years, these two have also never failed to keep me giggling. We have all grown up together and I will truly miss seeing them day in day out. I will miss you four so so much. Not forgetting everyone else that I've spent the last 6 years with; you all have been truly amazing people. Seeing everyone grow up in to fine young adults has been great. Love you all so much. I'll miss everyone so so much.

CLASS OF 2011, I LOVE YOU ALL <3

I'm extremely emotional today and will take the time to blog about everyone that means a lot to me at this current time:

My family:
They are all amazing. They have been the reason I am whom I am today. Without them I'm not sure where I'd be. They keep me smiling. I love you all so dearly.

Katie:
What an amazing girl. So bright, so bubbly and yet so shy. This girl has been my best friend for 6 years. We've had our fair share of arguments but we're learning. I'll miss her when she leaves. I'll have no mother figure to keep me on the straight and narrow when I'm legless. How will I cope? Not very well. Love you too pieces.

Hannah:
My twin. My sister. My best friend. She is amazing. We are so alike it's quite unbelievable. We work together too which is madness. She keeps me smiling. Always there for me when things are right and when things are wrong. She's there. Thank you, girl. Love you too pieces.

Sophie:
She's another best friend of mine. She is amazing. Keeps me smiling. Supplies me drink. And is always there for me. Thank you. Love you.

Laura:
What a great girl. What a great friend. I hardly see her now that she is at college and leading her life separate from us all. We still have good laughs and she is still always there when I need her. Love you.

Lauren:
My blog buddy. This girl is seriously amazing. Got such a big personality and heart. She deserves only the best. I truly believe that she only deserves happiness. She is nothing but a burst of happiness. I truly wish I knew her better. Lauren also gives the best hugs, as I found out today, I will miss this girl too piece. Love you, girl.

Adam:
We aren't particularly close but this boy knows how to cheer me up. He is also always there for me. Wish I knew him better. Love you.

Sean:
My ex. A cunt. An arse. Wish things hadn't turned out the way they did. Loved you too pieces. You're still always there for me. Maybe one day I'll trust you again. Maybe one day I'll except things. Love you, still.

Everyone else:
I love you all. I love everyone. In a very loving mood.

Enough from me, otherwise I'll go on forever.

Much love,
Emma
xxxx

Let the good times roll...

On such a high today; It's May 1st - which means there is not long left until I leave school forever - it's sunny and it's a Sunday where I'm NOT actually working. Delighted.

The past few days have been brilliant. It was Senior Prom on Thursday. Our Prom was held at Ardoe House Hotel; that place is beautiful and their food is fucking amazing better than the shit Thistle made us endure last year. All of my girls were there. I love them too pieces, I'll miss not seeing them everyday at School and as for Katie; I'll miss not seeing her - she's moving down to Edinburgh in August/September to study at Heriot-Watt University, I'm extremely delighted for her but also very gutted that miles will separate me from my best friend but on the plus side it gives me an excuse for a train ride every other weekend - praying that I'm not working or otherwise engaged. Anyhow, I wish her all the best of luck. I also wish my other friends Hannah and Sophie who begin college in September good luck too.

On the note of further education; I begin Summer School on the 20th of June and if successful I will begin my 4 year study of Politics and International Relations at Aberdeen University on the 20th of September. Let the good times roll.

Apart from work and school/education I've not really got much to say...

Well, apart from the fact that I'm happily single again and this time I will not be going back to Sean. Never heard such a perfect lyric to describe thing right now other than from the amazing Taylor Swift "The story of us is looking a lot like a tragedy now". Fortunately or Unfortunately, however you wish to look at it, Sean cheated several times and now the pieces remain and we, as a couple, don't. Taylor Swift has amazing lyrics which were made with girls and relationships in mind. I could list numerous lyrics which describe my current situation and past situations; "It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you. Wishing I'd realised what I had when you were mine". Perfect when it comes to a previous relationship; I thought I was better off without him. I lost possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me because of my stupidity thinking being single would be better. I could go on and on and on about how relevant her lyrics are but I think I'll stop boring everyone.

I shall return ... maybe tomorrow with another blog


Much love,
Emma
xxxx

Bad times

I haven't blogged in weeks. I'm sorry. For those who actually noticed.

I don't have much to say.

Work:
Firstly, I started back at Next about three weeks ago. I love my job, I really do. Some things about it are driving me nuts but at least I'm back. I do love that place, surprisingly. I also love MOST of the people there. Some people do improve my day quite a lot; and for that I thank Paula, Jess, Vicky, Blair, (Steven) Crook and Myron. They are a great bunch of people, we have quite a laugh, we do. I work pretty much everyday but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

School:
I have 6 days left EVER. I couldn't be any happier. I can't wait to just get out into the "BIG BAD WORLD". I really am ready to just get out there and experience new things. A change of scenery will do me the world of good. ALSO, I got accepted into Summer School, Yay?

Friends:
I love them I really do but god help me; they drive me fucking nuts sometimes. Nothing like brutal honesty. It's just a pity not everyone is the same.

I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BECAUSE IM IN A BAD MOOD.

Enjoy.

Friends... the best creation ever.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I'm sorry. I've been busy but also lazy. There hasn't been anything exciting to blog about recently but I'll update everyone on the situation.

It was last day of term on Friday. Which was also my last day of term EVER at Kincorth Academy. Nervous about leaving as the future remains so uncertain. One thing I know for sure is that my family and friends will get me through what ever is to come, I'm sure. I finally finished my English Folio and my Summer School application. Just pray that I get in now. Oh, I'm back with Sean after a few days break :') although he is now in OZ and will remain there until the 28^th of April but I wont see him until the 1^st of May. It's been two days and I'm already finding it difficult without him.

Right... On to a wider topic that involves everyone... Friendship.

At this point, in my life especially, friendship is extremely important. As I've said there is so much uncertainties just now I don't know what the next year holds for me but I do know that what ever is in store for me my friends will see me through it. A special mention to Katie Forbes.

Yes, that's us.

 May I highlight that I am drunk in this picture though. I'm generally not that crazy. Well, that's not exactly true.

 

Katie, she has been my best friend for 6 years. We've had so many laughs some that we STILL laugh at. The incident where she was running from a TINY dog and fell down a muddy hill into a muddy puddle … that happened in first year and I'm still laughing while typing this. More recently, walking along George street in hysterics for NOTHING. More importantly, she has also seen me through me through very rough times. When my mum suffered two strokes, she was there. When my brother was ill and in hospital, she was there. When my dad went into hospital … several times, she was there. She's been there through it all, literally. She's been there while I have been drunk and helped me out. She's been there when I've been happy. She's been there when I've been sad. She's been there. She knows that I'd do the same for her. I have before and I will again.

Everyone has that one friend who has been there through it all. Who they can turn to with anything. Everyone has that best friend, just like the one I've mentioned.

My other friends, although they've not been mentioned are amazing and have seen me through a lot too.

I've not really got much else to say.

Much Love

Emma

xxxx

Back again

I'm going to blog about the things that has had the biggest influence on who I am today. These things would be: my family, friends and "love".

My Family:

They are the mean reason that I've stayed on the right track. My mum and dad have been great parents. They have been pains at times but they have did what they thought was best for me and I'd like to thank them for it. Without them I dread to thing where I'd be. Also, my brother: he is a fucking pain in the arse but without a shadow of a doubt I still love him. He's awesome - he's always up for a good scrap. The only other family member that has had a significant impact is my late Granda. Everything changed the day he died. He was taken suddenly and I'll never forget him. He'll always be my inspiration despite the fact that he wasn't perfect. He's my very own gaurdian angel, or so I hope. I love you guys. ALWAYS.

My friends:

These guys are there for me no matter what.

Katie, Hannah, Laura and Sophie - I thank you guys from the deepest corner of my heart. These guys taught me how to love, live, smile and laugh through all the pain. These pulled me out of my darkest hours. These guys taught me to dance in the rain, to sing my heart out and never let anyone or anything get the better of me. They have taught me how to be a complete tit while drunk and taught me what true friends are like. No matter where we are or what we're doing we always have the best of times. I love you lot so much.

The girls and I. Missing Katie though.

Sean and Ryan. We've had our up and down boys but boy the ups have been damn good. Ryan you kindly split my head about 7 years ago. Thanks. You genuinely made me stronger. You've always been around to pick up the pieces. We've had a few childhood romances but they never went anywhere. I'm glad. I prefer having you as a mate. You're great. You deserve the best. Sean, where do I begin with you. What an actual arse. Yet, one of the best gyuys that I've ever met. We had bloody good times. Your cuddles were always the best. I just wish you hadn't been so stupid but nothing lasts forever. Love you pair.

To all my other friends, I love you guys dearly too.

"Love"

Don't believe that I've ever been in love. Still been extremely close with some people. My two last guys in particular - anon and Sean - they've had the most impact on me recently but both have turned horrible for different reasons. Sean was what I thought the "one" was. But as recent events showed, this isn't the case. We try to work things out but sometimes when something is broken there's no fixing it. I'll miss him regardless though.
The other guy. I haven't forgot him, I just don't want to talk about it. Sometimes something hurts worse than intially expected. Anyone who knows me will know that I'm not a relationship kind of girl. Flirting and no strings attached FTW.

Peace out fuckers
Much love,
Emma
xxxx

It's been far too long.

I've not blogged in about two weeks. To be honest, it's 'cause I had nothing to blog about ... I still don't.

I've had a rather busy couple of weeks: Been at school and out, never really had to time to get round to blogging but thought I'd do it just now - while I had a spare hour or two.

Not much is changed with me apart from Sean and I's relationship has ended. Orginally, I left him 'cause I had insercurities and compared it far too much to me ex but turns out that he cheated on me. Cunt. I'll get over it though. People ask "are you ok?" well, ofcourse I'm not. I miss him. I wish I things hadn't worked out this way but they did and I just need to accept that. I'll move on, I'm in the process. Do I still love him or someone else? No, I don't. I never did truly love him. I don't know the meaning of the word. Is there someone else? Not really. Yeah I flirt with quite a few guys but nine times out of ten that's all that it is. 

Almost leaving school ... I am delighted. Nervous 'cause of the change but greatful to finally be leaving. Moving on to bigger and better things. I'm going to miss so many people though. 
But, they'll make it to my future if they were supposed to. I believe in fate.

Also, got invited to Lisa's leaving drinks. Think I may go. Although, it'll be underage drinking :O how naughty of me! I miss my Berryden chums. Hope to see them all soon though. Didn't realise how many of them that I actually got on with so well until I left!

Don't really know what else to say ...

Much love,
Emma
xxxx

No more brave faces

I promised yesterday that I'd have a better topic to blog about. But, I'm feeling pretty crap so it's going to be another dperessing blog. So, I'll apologise in advance. I'm going to try to stop blogging about that guy after this blog. I'll try to blog happier blogs after this.

I'll start on a lighter note though:
I had quite a good laugh at school today. I was very hyper fourth period and at lunch. I'm sure Lauren and Ashleigh had a right good laugh when I killed my fist. I was spinning my arm and I was about to ask them how far they think I'd fly spining my arms the way I was doing it ...thats when I full force smacked my hand off of the ledge ... It fucking hurt. I also had a right good laugh in the common room and then in English: The things Mrs Fulton comes away with are legendary, I'm going to miss her for sure when I leave. That's another thing I'm not to keen about - leaving school. It's rapidly approaching. Help?!

Forbzee:
She's still in London. It was the first day of judging for the competition today. I heard that 250.000 turned up. I'm sure she did well though. I wish her all the best of luck for the remainder of the competition. She can do it, I'm sure. Not going to lie ... I miss her.

Jonathon:
Anyone who doesn't know, Jonathon was my first love but thankfully I grew out of it. Not that long ago, to be honest. But this pain in the arse has re-appeared in my life and he's annoying me already. After everything that he did he thinks he can just come waltzing back into my life as though nothing ever happened ... you thought wrong, boy. Just leave. I'm done with you. I'm done with you for good, after what you did you're lucky that I haven't punched you yet. It's not often that I can say I truly dislike someone. I honestly never want to see you again. You ruined some of the best days of my life, thanks.

My (actually he's not mine, now) Boy:
I saw you with her tonight. My heart sunk. I've finally had to accept it. You're gone. You've moved on. Well, you've moved back. You're back with her. I know this time I've lost you, lost you for good. I honestly hate it. I wish I hadn't been so naive, so stupid, I presumed that I'd never push you away enough until you turned your back on me completely. But, here I stand watching you leave ... with her. I can't bare it. I know that it's all down to me. I was stupid. I was immature. I cheated. I ruined it. I lost the only guy who has truly loved me, loved me for who I was. Yes, you weren't innocent either but I blame myself for that. I convinced myself that you'd never leave me, you'd always be mine, you'd always be my best friend. How wrong could I have been? You said we'd always be friends but even that, I managed to fuck that up too. Everyone that knows the story believes that you were just childish. I know otherwise. I know that it was all self-inflicted. I have never been more regretful in my life. I guess it's just something I have to live with ... I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and it was all of my own doing. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Right now as people can probably tell I feel pretty rubbish. Music normal helps to pull me out of this mood but its drowning me deeper. He usually saves me when it gets too much but he's no where to be found. My best friend would normally be here to offer her support but even she's busy - I understand though - who am I to expect someone to help me. I'll have to pull myself out of it, I'm sure I'll manage. I was born a survivor. I wont let this ruin me.

I've also been thinking a lot about my Granda. I've been writing a personal reflective essay about him. There's not a day that goes by without me thinking of him. I miss him. I miss him more than I thought I ever would. I want to see him, just one last time. I want him to reassure me, to tell me that he's okay. That he's enjoying "afterlife". I want to reassured that he hasn't forgotten about me. I love you Granda.
R.I.P 15/05/33 - 02/01/02. Gone but NEVER forgotten.

As I said yesterday I love Adele (the singer). Her music is lovely. Probably responsible for making me feel worse but I still love it, regardless.

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

Someone like you

I've remembered that I had to blog today. Thought I'd do it now before I go to Beavers. Yes, you read right: I am a young leader at Beavers 55th Kincorth. I'm not going to lie I'm a bigger kid than most of them. I actually love Beavers, those little kids always make me smile. Little cuties.

So today I was at school until 3rd period. PSE: was rubbish. English: was boring. Chemisty: was a living hell. I am honestly getting sick of school. Nothing exciting ever happens now. All the teachers talk about now is exams... but I just don't care anymore, I really don't. Not long left though. Although, after saying that I did come home and did my English homework - which is not me. I'm also ready for Beavers, hence why I have time to blog before I leave at half past.

I'd like to take the time to wish Forbzee happy birthday. She's 18 today and is spending it in London. Lucky for some. Actually getting used to her being away ... not a good sign. I'm sure we'll be back to being joint at the hip next week. I actually concentrate more in Maths 'cause I have no-one to talk to. It's true what they say ... every cloud has a silver lining.

I'd also like to say a bit that might seem like a riddle, it might not. I'm not sure.
I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is ... to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. What I mean is when we finish in a relationship we sometimes decide to stay friends, some even decide to stay friends ... with benefits. But, if you ask me. Talking from experience I think it is harder being his friend than losing him completely. But we are all free to make are own choices ... whether they are right or whether they are mistakes. I've made many many mistakes but there's not many that I'd go back and prevent from happening. Sometimes when things get a bit much I wish I could go back to the day that I met him and prevent myself from meeting him or go back to the day where we reached the next level in our friendship but truth be told when I sit back and analysis things: no-one has ever had such an impact on my life, no-one has changed me - whether it was for better or worse - and no-one has ever loved me the way he loved me. There is no doubt that people can come into our lives and have such an impact but then leave as quick as they came. He may be gone but by god he sure did leave foot prints on my heart. So there we have it. I miss you but I understand that nothing lasts forever. 

Adele, her music is amazing. The lyrics are the words I can't speak. They are the thoughts in  my head that I can't voice. Some of her songs were designed for my situation. Just saying. 

I'll be back tomorrow with hopefully a more exciting blog.
Much love, 
Emma
xxxx

Always looking down

Stranger! That's what I'm becoming to this whole blogging scenerio: I haven't blogged since saturday, I'm dissapointed in myself. I promise to up my game, pull my finger out and blog more. This blog MIGHT be longer than usual: I might have a lot to speak about.

Saturday with the girls:
I had awesome day with my girls. We went for a meal at the Cove Bay Hotel to celebrate Sophie's 18th: It was really nice and a good catch-up with the girls, we had a right good laugh too. I love those guys to pieces. We then went back to Sophie's for drinks, Kristina joined us too, not going to lie I got myself into a bit of state. Apparently I was "drunk" but I don't think I was. I think I was just ... confused. I claimed many things which I can honestly say are NOT true. I'll learn one day. The good thing is that I woke up free of a hangover, that made the night even better.

Anyhow, I should mention the absense of my best friend, Forbzee. Currently, Katie is in London: she will begin to prepare for her competition tomorrow. She is representing Scotland in her category, isn't that something amazing. If I am being honest it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. She is quite a bright spark. I'd like to wish her good luck again. I'm sure your project is amazing and so much better than most of the other ones. I have faith in you, girl. Despite the fact she just left this morning I have to admit I'm missing my partner in crime quite a bit. I dread to think how I will cope when we go to uni'. People wouldn't believe the amount of people said it was weird and strange to see me without Katie. Everyone is so used to us being joint at the hip. Mr Shaw even commented on my lonliness. But, Forbzee goodluck, win the competition, happy birthday for tomorrow and GET YOUR ARSE BACK UP HERE.

Thoughts of my future has again been plaguing my mind. I am quite gutted and scared all the same about leaving Kincoth Academy in the matter of a couple of months. I honestly don't want to. This year has been so good aswell. I have to admit 5th and 6th year this year are like the biggest family ever. We all get on so well. I can't believe I didn't even register their presence this time last year. They are an amazing bunch and I will be truly gutted to leave them behind. I really hope I keep in contact with a fair few of them. Also, I've been doin' my summer school application and I'm extremely excited about uni'. I really want a fresh start at the same time just to meet new people and make new friends. I guess while feeling down about leaving Kincorth Academy, I'm thrilled to be moving on in the world. As the wise man (or should I say Mr SmartyPants, he knows who he is) said "Moving on to bigger and better things".

I would normally right a bit about the anon guy but all I have to say is ...
By god, I miss you more than you could imagine but this is how it's got to be. Love you, regardless.


I have a couple of quotes that I'd like to share with the world 'cause they are helping me quite a bit, just now:

Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch your hearts. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just because it was with them. They're the people you can share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs, and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thin in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life.

This time its over I'm keeping my heart, I'm gonna be strong and not fall apart it'll get better, I'll no longer cryin a couple of weeks I won't want to die, I won't want to go back. I'll be able to sleep, it won't hurt so bad and it won't hurt so deep!

They are quite self-explanatory. They help me. Or should I say ... they reflect how I feel just now.

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

Lessons well learnt.

I forgot to blog yesterday. Well, that's a lie. I didn't forget. I just didn't have time. I was at school all day then went into town afterwards and then on to Russell Howard and by the time I got home I was shattered and couldn't be bothered blogging. So, I'll make this EXTRA LONG.

Russell Howard:

Russell Howard is an actually legend. I honestly can say that I've never laughed so much in my entire life. It was amazing. I'll never look at a bird or a 70 year old woman in the same way again. Just saying. I had the time of my life not even going to lie. Also, his body. WOW. I can safely say I LOVE HIM. That guy is one amazing little fucker. I saw so many people that I knew. Also, saw people that I haven't seen in years. Safe to say it was an amazing start to an already amazing weekend.

This Weekend:

Plans for today: Town with Katie; Meal with Laura, Sophie, Katie and Hannah; Then drinks with that lot and Kristina. It will be good, I have no doubts. Honestly cannot wait. It will make up for such a shit week. Yesterday my maths teacher said and I quote “Your ability is away up here *points to the roof* but unfortunately for some reason your results suggest your way down here *points to the ground*” To make it worse I was given an extra for periods a week for Chemistry because I'm not working hard enough. Actually so annoyed. Such as life.

On a more personal note:

I'm not going to lie, there's no point. You left me. You cheated. You lied. But, the thing that still throws me is that no matter what you've done I still love you... stupidly. But, you should know. I'm getting over you: we may remain friends but at this stage a break away is exactly what I'm wanting from you. You ask me what you can do to make it up to me. My answer to that is … just leave me alone. No matter how much you mean to me, I'm going to cry my last tear and smile again. I'll remember the times we had – they were amazing. I'll never forget what you've taught me. You taught me to accept myself for who I truly am. You taught me that I should never change for anyone because if they truly loved me, they would love me for who I already am. You taught me how to love. I'm not going to deny that. They are lessons I'll never forget. You've had such an impact on my life and for that I thank you. But, time is moving us on.

Despite everything I'm in such a good mood.

I will blog tomorrow. While, hungover AGAIN!

Much Love,

Emma

xxxx

No strings attached

Firstly, I never blogged yesterday! Poor show!

Yesterday I attended the MA applicant day at Aberdeen University. I met the lovely Dominic and Rachel. They were both lovely and I can tell that if we end up studying together we'll become VERY good friends. We spent the day together was really good. They are two amazing people that, to be honest, if I never saw them again I'd still remember them. I've never met anyone quite like them.  I also spent time talking to the head of Politics - he was also lovely. Cant wait to start university - heres hoping I get in and pass summer school. On the whole, the applicant day was an AWESOME experience.

Today, has been a little more normal. Found out that I've passed English and Modern, yay! I also went to see 'No strings attached' which was bloody brilliant. I loved it.

On a more heart-related note:

Being 'just friends' is pretty hard going. Especially when I accidently flirt and make things awkward. It's hard to pretend that I don't miss him, that I don't love him anymore and that he never meant the world to me. Anyone who knows will know that he was my favourite subject to talk about: I never quite loved anyone as much as I did him but these things fall apart sometimes. I believe that everything happens for a reason ... I'm just not exactly sure why this happened, although, I'm sure it'll all make perfect sense ... one day. There is no covering up the fact that I still love him. When I said forever I really did mean it, boy.


Anyhow, I'm totally excited for saturday. Meal and Party for my friend's 18th. Yay! DRINKS ALL ROUND! Totally thrilled.
Enough from me!

Much Love,
Emma
xxxx

P.S This is rubbish 'cause I'm shattered.

Dedicated to YOU.

Today has been ... ok ... I guess.

To start with I was at school until lunch: that was ok, I suppose. Never got my English results today because she wasn't there: I was glad, to be honest. Then, I had the doctors: I got told that my nose was infected and stressed, I've never laughed so much in my life. Strange strange doctor.

Anyhow, enough about my daily rountine.

As you can probably see, my day was ... average. As promised in yesterday's blog I went for a walk ... I enjoyed the time to myself to just think. I thought about what I'd blog about so I'll get on with it ...

Sometimes people feel alone, heartbroken and devastated. This can go un-noticed by millions. I wonder when I see people alone with sad expressions on their face, what they are harbouring... what is it that they are concealing? Not only do I wonder about the people with sad obvious expressions on their faces' but also everyone else that walks past ... because if we were being honest every single one of us are concealing something, something that hurts us, somethings that has made us they way we are today. But, sadly in the society we live in we are judged ... If we admit we have problems and/or upset about something we are seen to be "attention seeking" or "depressed". This is completely wrong. Nobody deserves to be judged. The point I'm trying to make is that I wish that everyone could find happiness, help and peace. I wish everyone had a life where they were free to do what they wanted without being judged or hurt. But, that's just an unrealistic dream.

On a personal note:
Not really ready to speak about what happened yet.  Well,  I am ready but I can't find the words ... well I can but then it means I have to accept what has happened: I don't think I'm ready yet. I hate him but I love him. I don't want him in my life but I can't live without him. My head and situation is a mess. Sometimes even while heart broken some things someone - the one you love, also the one who broke your heart - says fills an empty place in your heart. "You're not alone in this. I remain firmly by your side". But then again somethings never change "Emma, you are a problem that even Mathematicans can't solve". No matter what has happened, he is still the only one that I want, need and love. I guess sometimes friendship is better and lasts longer than a relationship. It's going to be hard but I'll get through this. You've left me with your name in my heart, our memories in my mind and your taste on my lips. You have to remain my friend, boy: You know too much.

Song of the moment: Love Hangover - Jason Derulo. Can't listen to it enough. I love it.

Thought of the moment: I don't fear judgement ... 'cause I already know who I am.


One last thing ... I AM WHO I AM. I WONT CHANGE FOR ANYONE. YOU EITHER LIKE IT OR YOU DON'T EITHER WAY ... I DON'T CARE.

PS. I Love all my friends and especially my BLOG BUDDY Lauren! <3

PSS. I have a university day tomorrow ... no school for me. Yay!

Much love,
Emma xxxx

C'est La Vie

It's day 04 and I'm still blogging ... this is a good sign.

Today, was the first day at school since prelims finished. Got my results for Advanced Higher Maths and Higher Chemistry: I failed both! Better luck next time, Emma. -_-

Generally had quite a good day. It was sunny in Aberdeen for a change. Went for a nice long walk, unfortunately I popped into the shop on the way back to get juice and there stood Ms Grubb ... what a weird teacher she is. She asked my opinion on wine! Do I portray a wine drinking image. Working in Next over christmas: several times I was classed as an alcoholic but only ONCE ever did I go in with a hangover. Weird. Maybe I just look like an alcoholic? who knows.

After yesterday's blog, I recieved bad news. Not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe ... Just maybe, I might want to blog about it by the end of the week. Lets just say my amazing guy isn't amazing or mine anymore. Enough said for the time being.

Vodka and Redbull is planned for Saturday: it's my friends 18th. Fair to say that I am excited about it already. It was only this morning that I said I would never drink again. That went out the window BIG STYLE. I'm dying for a good drink ... AGAIN: This is what school has done to me.

Plans for tomorrow:
- School
- Exam results from English
- Doctors
- Depending on my English results ... maybe suicide.
- If it's good news from English then a nice long walk - if it's sunny - is called for: nothing better than having time alone with my thoughts.

Song of the moment: Use Somebody - Kings of Leon. Song that reminds me of him. C'est La Vie.

Thought for the moment: Rock bottom is a good turning point. Things can only get better from here.

Much Love,
Emma xxxx

Day 03 - Suffering

I was right. As I said yesterday …

I'm suffering from a hangover. Never again am I drinking, well, not 'til next weekend.

So, last night/ this morning I have been thinking about what I was going to blog about. I could spend hours talking about last night 'cause it was so good or I could discuss how much I love those 4 girls: I call them my best friends or I could discuss how am missing him – yes the anon guy again – or I could just blog about what comes to my mind … I've gone for the latter: that will probably contain everything I've just went through, or maybe it wont, we'll see. I'll warn any person reading this: This WILL NOT be good. Thinking while hungover first thing on a sunday morning is hell.

There has been this one song, it's been stuck in my head for a couple of days and I'm not sure why, I haven't heard it in months … well, apart from now 'cause I've put it on 'cause it was stuck in my head. This song happens to be The climb – Miley Cyrus. Certain lyrics of it plague my mind:

I can almost see it

The dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

“You'll never reach it”

I guess that this probably has to do with university. I wasn't sure that I'd be accepted – that I'd be good enough – turns out I wasn't for certain choices but surprisingly enough I got a conditional to study Politics and International Relations at Aberdeen University – on the condition I attend summer school and successfully pass: I may not get in but here's hoping – You might think I'm mad for wanting to study Politics. I'd agree. But it's something I thoroughly enjoy, believe it or not. I'm worried that If I don't get it I wont have any prospects. I guess that's why that specific lyrics have been haunting me.

On a lighter note. I adore my friends. All of them. Especially my four best friends. A message for them, although the probably wont read this:

You guys make my life easier, seriously. We spend hours laughing at nothing. We sit talking for hours about nothing. We spend hours doing nothing. But, believe it or not, no matter what we do I always have the time of my life. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

P.S Thanks for last night.

Here I go again … My anon guy. All I have to say is I MISS YOU. Miles can separate us. People can stand in our way but they can't stop these feelings. I LOVE YOU. People say I was stupid to let myself fall for a “player” like you. Firstly, how could I have prevented myself. Secondly, what right to say you're a “player”? They have no right. Not one of them. Yes, you have a history. But, don't we all? As far as I can see you're not “playing” me. But, even if you were … I'd still love you.

I don't care what anybody has to say. We stupidly fell in love. So what? I'm having the time of my life … well, when I get to be with you, I do. You are my knight in shining armour. One day … one day, they'll accept us and let us live our lives … together. I LOVE YOU.

Looking in the sky, I can see your face

And then I know right were I fit in

Take me, make me, you know I'll always be in love with you

Right 'til the end

That lyrics say it all.

That's enough for me. Back to bed I go: I think. I can't cope with this hangover.

Much love,

Emma xxxx

Day 02 - Thoughts from my troubled mind.

Girlie night tonight with the girls (hence girlie night). Loads of drink, music, wii and pizza will be involved. It is much needed to be honest. But, that isn't the point of this blog.

First things first, I have to thank my good friend Lauren: she got me into this. This girl is seriously amazing and her blogs are inspirational. I've learnt things I never knew before. AND for all those people who said people ''attention seek'' when blogging about their problems … you're wrong. If it helps the person writing it, then let them you have no right to judge someone when you don't know what they are and have gone through.

Anyhow, there is so many things haunt my mind...

In the next … 10 months … everything will change. Leaving school: I'm ready for it now. Will Be a difficult adjustment. My best friend is … possibly moving away … All my other friend will be carrying on with their life. I guess I'm afraid I'll get lost in the transition and be forgotten.

I said in my first blog yesterday that I have a difficult home life. I'm not going to lie: I do but it's where I come from. Yes, it upsets me and gets me down now and then but I continue to smile. I still have my parents … even though they aren't medically fit but life's life. I have people in my life that help and make things easier for me. I don't believe in religion or god but I believe I was dealt this hand in life for a reason. Not entirely sure why yet but there is one thing for sure, I can deal with pretty much what ever is thrown at me.

However, there are two main people who help me, sometimes without realising it:

My best friend … people who know me will know who she is … has been my best friend for 6 years. We've fallen out a lot but we seem to have grown out of that stage now. She is the only one I can truly say that is ALWAYS there for me. She's there through the good times and there through the bad. She's helped me out of many situations. She's the one I go to when I need someone to talk to, when I need advice and just generally a friend. It is fair to say she's been there through it all. I owe her a lot. There is a possibility that she will move away. I guess I'm worried that I'll lose her. Maybe I'm just being stupid or maybe that is the grim reality. I really hope not. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without her. She is one of the two most important people to me (excluding my family).

“When I get married, she'll be my maid of honor.

When I have a baby, she'll be the godmother.

And when I'm grown, she'll be playing bingo with me at the nursing home.

More than my best friend. She's my other half”

Honestly we are joint at the hip and when it comes to the time when we go to different universities I don't know how I'll cope. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love this girl too pieces. Please never replace me. Cheers.

The other most important person … I'll blog about him a lot … you'll get sick of it. As I've said already I find him AMAZING. But, this part is dedicated to him so I'll do it again but slightly different.

There isn't enough words in the world to describe how I feel about him. You know when you get down and you don't feel like talking, smiling or facing the world … well, he always manages to get me out of it pretty much straight away – he's amazing like that. He says all the right things at all the right time. When he smiles at me my heart flips and my stomach plummets about 100 feet. When he hugs me, I automatically feel safe. I could be placed in the centre of a war and if he was there hugging me I would feel perfectly safe … stupidly. When he talks to me and tells me how he feels about me … everything else no matter what my problems were just dissolve away. Recently, things got tough and I turned to him for help. He hugged me for half an hour straight (of his lunch break) – never letting me go once – and told me that everything was going to be ok. He genuinely is amazing. Our situations prevent us from being together but no matter how stupid it sounds: he will remain firmly in my heart.

What makes me love him: 1. The way he makes me feel. 2. The way he tells me he loves me. 3. The way he treats me. 4. His eyes. 5.His hair. 6.His big-headness. 7.His caring side. 8. His jealousy. 9. His ass ;). 10. EVERYTHING about him... even the bad things (I can't even think of one though).

I could go on forever about what I love about him but ...

What I'm trying to say is: without him I'm lost. I hate how the situation is and how my parents wouldn't approve. Nobody understands. Nobody. We've kept it a secret for so long but it's got complicated and ended. I've lost him and need to get him back. I thought seeing other guys would help but it didn't – it drove me to cheat on them and hurt people in the process. Anyhow, people tell me to move on … forget about him. But truth be told I will never get over him … not 'cause I can't but 'cause I don't want to. I believe that he was made for me and I'm determined to prove to the world that we are meant for each other and that we can make it work. Things will work out, I have to believe that.

One last thing : He played this song to me before he left for the last time and told me it's the best way he can say what he feels… Don't say goodbye – Olly Murs

The lyrics that stood out were :

There's a word that would hurt

I can feel it on your lips

Like a gun to my heart

When all I want is a kiss

But we fell so hard and it felt so right

So dont let it all end here tonight

And we could fall all over again

Dont say goodbye

Keep us alive

'cause my world would stop if we wouldn't try

All I have to say is I'm not the one willing to give up on us. I don't want you to leave. I honestly don't want to live without you … ever. I love you more than anything. You know that. Never ever forget.

As everyone will have guessed my Best friend and a guy (whom will remain anon) are the most important people in my life (excluding my family). I owe them two a lot and can't life without either of them. BUT, I have many other friends who I adore and worship. They mean just as much. I love all you guys.

Anyhow, enough from me. I will be getting into a right state tonight and will suffer tomorrow. But I will make sure that I blog again tomorrow – while I suffer from a hangover, no doubt.

Much love,

Emma xxxx

My first blog!

So, I'm completely new to this ...

I don't know where to start ...

I'll give anybody out there reading this the basics of who I am ...

I'm Emma Thomson, I'm seventeen and attend Kincorth Academy: I leave in 3 months, a scary though but as they say bigger and better things await. I have recieved a conditional for Aberdeen University to study Politics. That leads me on to my next point: I adore politics, strange? I'd agree. I'm completely and utterly random and strange. I believe that it's a good thing though.

On a more ... personal note ... well, it's more the going on's in my head and heart ...

I have many things that bubble under the surface but regardless I always have a smile planted on my face. My reason? No-one truly cares what you're going through 50% are just curious and the other 50% are glad that we have these problems. I have many problems but they make me who I am. I've experienced loss of loved ones. Watched my granda die for 2 years: as a result built up a wall in which nobody gets to overcome. Watched my dads health decline over the last 8 years and watch my mum suffer several strokes. Suprisingly this is the first time I've expressed this in words. Why? 'cause it's the hand I was delt with - for all you card players out there - I believe that I was given these problems to deal with to make me a stronger person and it has, it's made me  much stronger. It also made me grow up faster, never really had the option BUT after everything I've experienced and gone through ... heartbreak is the one thing I can't come to terms with.

There is that one guy ... the one guy that I love. His eyes - sky blue - they are truly amazing. His blonde hair that he styles in a way I've never seen before. His day old stubble that gives him that rough look. His caring side that is very rarely on show. His ego - very big indeed - is something that I also adore. His laugh - strange one he has but - the cutest I've ever heard. His weird little habbits - the way he holds paper while writing- is also adorable. As you can probably see I find this guy AMAZING. Unfortunately, not all is plain sailing. There are many reason why we can't publicly be together. Our age... he is older ... not significantly older but my parents wouldn't approve. His situation ... not ideal. The reason we met each other ... also another factor. My point of all this is the one guy that I've never truly had is the only guy that has broke my heart - not his fault - the one guy I can't bare to see leave. What I hate most is that the society we live in today is full of people who disapprove and judge. Nobody can judge. Nobody has the right to stand in the way of love but in modern day society it is all too complicated. Maybe just maybe in the furture things will work out.

I've said enough for my first blog.

I hope that it was acceptable :)